jag lägga ner dröm...

8:36pm:  Does anyone use this anymore?

It's been awhile since I've posted.  

Decided it was time to bring it back and get into the groove of venting.

12:46pm: and so it is...

11:51pm: I have neglected this again.  The last eleven months drained me but I am beginning to recharge, stronger than before.  I find myself not putting up with as much bullshit as I used to or maybe it's that I just don't care anymore so it doesn't have the same affect.  Whatever it is I like where I am now versus where I was four months ago. 

9:01pm: I don't know what I'm doing but at the same time I know exactly what I am doing.  The question is whether I am doing the right thing or not.  I don't think anyone knows the answer to that.  I guess patience is a must at this point in time.  I'm not very good at being patient though.

5:48pm:

11:32pm: I am sitting here in disbelief that I actually broke my nose. I have no one to blame but myself. I guess it's just a wake up call to get my priorities straight. I made a mistake and obviously am suffering for it now. It could have been a lot worse. I am grateful to have such a good friend as Jenny to have been there by my side and take care of me. I think I need to detox. I quit smoking so now maybe I should lay off the drinking for awhile as well. I have to admit that I've been a little out of control this last month. I am lucky that my nose is still aligned. I won't know for sure the damage until the swelling goes down. All I do know is that I am in so much pain. I was THAT girl last night. I don't know how it happened but it happened fast and everything is still such a blur. We didn't even get to see the band play. I don't know when I will be able to show my face at Spaceland again.



 

12:47pm:

I found a really great apartment in the sunset junction area of silver lake and am really excited about this move.  The job has been really great so far with a few surprises here and there but nothing I can't handle.  Even with the let downs of being on again and off again with Josh I am in a really good place.  Now all I want is my kitten and get my apartment all decorated.  Make a home for myself and actually live like an adult.  There is nothing that compares to the feeling of accomplishment.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.

12:24pm:

it's blurry in real life too.

1:12am: Self-realization comes at certain times in your life, when you're experiencing some sort of change whether it be moving to someplace new or with current and past relationships. Knowing your true self and what you stand for or want to stand for is the most rewarding feeling you can have. Unfortunately people lose sight of themselves at times. It's not abnormal, it's just how life is. The older I get the less I really care about what anyone thinks. Even if that means I may end up alone. I don't mind it so much as long as I am doing what I want to do.

10:27pm: I protested using this for a long time but I came to the conclusion the purpose of having an online journal is for the criticism involved. I thrive for it or else I wouldn't post my personal business on here. I have neglected this and I plan to start using it more. It's an outlet to vent and I haven't been doing much of that lately, rather just keeping things bottled up.

Life goes in so many directions all at the same time and it's never easy. Decisions you make today are decisions you live with for the rest of your life. It's even worse when you feel like you've made the wrong decision but it's too late to change it. Little things remind me constantly. Physically I am fine but mentally I feel like I'm going insane. Most of the time I am just in complete denial of it and I think that's how you have to be. You just have to act like nothing happened. Some people would disagree with this because it's said it's better to face the problem then ignore it but I just can't face this. I've dealt with it so much already I don't have the strength anymore. Keeping busy is me self-medicating myself. I have been on the go and it's wearing me out and made me sick and I was forced to actually slow down but slowing down gives me time to think. Being that I am female I have that gift, sometimes a curse, to over analyze everything in great detail. I hope one day I can justify my actions and can honestly tell myself this was right. Then that weight of grief that is resting on my shoulders might disappear. Who knows though, time heals wounds so only time will tell. I need to get a grip on reality before it consumes me.

1:32am:

I got a new camera and I am so in love with it.

 

 

10:11pm: If it feels right go for it. You can't control your own emotions sometimes.

It feels so right yet I do still question if it really is right. Time will tell and I will just have to learn to be patient.

12:25pm: Sometimes you just need to step back and let things happen around you.

Sometimes you just need to realize that you don't need to be doing everything everyone says you should and just do what feels right and makes you happy.

Sometimes you need to realize that really it isn't you it is them.

11:23am: Reflecting back on the last six months and reading old entries I've realized my relationship was not healthy. Looking at it from an outside perspective based in reality rather than fantasy showed me that. I was so blinded at the time though. Trying so hard to make something not working work. The fact that he cheated on me and that I was willing to accept it or I made excuses for his actions has me a little disappointed with myself. I need to take better care of me. I should not be making excuses for anyone. I thought we would somehow be friends and I saw him one more time a couple weeks ago and I set boundaries and asserted myself explaining what I expected. I guess he could not handle that and cut me off completely. I met someone and we didn't talk that much but we had a good time and there was something different about hanging out with him. In the couple of days I spent having fun with someone new I received more attention and more respect than I did in my six month relationship. I kissed him and it was fun and I forgot what it's like to have those feelings of excitement. When he held my hand it was amazing. I don't recall the last time my last boyfriend did that with me. I was so worn down from trying to take care of someone else i neglected the things that made me happy. I don't know if anything will come from this new spark, but it did make me smile and has continued to make me smile and I know I'll be okay. If that's all it was meant to do is make me smile than I will accept it. I'm in better spirits. I am devoting myself to all my friends that I shut out and also devoting myself to the things that make me happiest. I did learn a lot from this experience. I have a better idea of what I want and expect from a relationship. I feel relationships are 60/60 you both need to put that extra 10% in. I received an email basically saying goodbye forever. It was disturbing and if I needed closure I hit it at that point. I have no worries and I'm in such a fabulous state of mind right now.

2:12pm: so yeah I'm a hussy...

8:06am: so...
I am officially single again.

I just need to convince myself that this is a good thing.

9:42pm:

 

me on memorial day. 

classy moments...

12:47pm:

sometimes dancing is not the safest thing for me.

11:34am: I'm losing weight but I'm not quite sure how since I haven't been working out.

I love the rain however not when it disrupts my commute to certain places.

The tsunami aftermath is heartbreaking to me. I read the emails sent to cnn.com from family members and friends searching for their loved ones or just a sign that they're alive or at least their bodies identified and my heart goes out to each and every person that lost someone. I wish I could do something that would greatly help them but my contribution is very small. Eric gave me $5,000.00 to donate. I wish there was more that could be done. I am also thankful the Rager family remained unharmed.

7:21pm:

mine...

 

10:14am: All I can say is that everything was perfect.

9:26am: I am socially retarded when it comes to dating.

9:29pm: What if the "Hokey Pokey" really is what it's all about?

9:24am: Last night my mother called and said flowers had been delivered for me. It really made my day. Things are better. I put a lot into perspective.

1:38pm: I really love my black hair.